Carcar

 

What defines being happy?  How do you know that you have it?  Or you are happy?  How do you know that what makes you happy today will or won’t make you happy tomorrow? 

 

Your decisions today influence what decisions you will make tomorrow.  But, how do you know what makes you happy today will continue to make you happy tomorrow?  Or that, even if you are upset and unhappy, your decisions will work out and you will be happy?  Is it all just putting hope in the fact your decisions/feelings will turn out right?

 

When you make your decision, you have no idea that it will be right. You only know the decision is right because at the time you made it, it was right.  It’s how I live my life—with no regrets.  It doesn’t matter what I do, I do not regret any decision I have ever made (or ever will).  But I am not sure if that decision to live my life like that has truly made me happy.  At times, I think that it might have been a good idea to take things back but in retrospect, you never can do that.  There is no time machine to go back in time to change things you have done and there is no time machine to go forward in time to see if you have made the right decision.  You have to be happy with what you have chosen to do, no matter how difficult that may be at the time. 

 

Even if you are not happy, you can pretend to be happy.  Me, well, it might not be known by many people, but I am pretty good at doing that (or at least I think I am).  I can hide my feelings of “unhappiness” much better than I think I can hide other things.  I do not know where it comes from—the hiding and the thinking there is something to be unhappy about.  Well, okay, lie, I know the hiding comes from the lack of wanting to show my emotion because that is who I am.  Only a few can be let in, but that is a different story.  But the unhappy?  I don’t know.  Shouldn’t you just be happy all the time?  Because you have made the decision that is best for you, right? So you should always be happy.

 

You have to go through pain to get to the happiness.  Without the pain, then you can’t see your growth and why you have become happy.  So, then, is happiness just what comes out of pain?  Do you have to go through pain (and only something like that) to be extremely happy?  Do you have to have growth to be happy?  It seems like that sometimes.  You have to go through something that makes you so upset so you can see that you are better off with what you have done.

 

For a long time, I thought having a boyfriend would define me and make me happy.  And it did.  I was extremely happy, until he broke up with me.  I was devastated.  It was so hard for me to get over him, but eventually I did and I thought I was happy again.  I moved on.  I then started thinking that maybe it’s not the boyfriend that defines how happy you are.  It’s not the friends that define your happiness, or anyone.

 

Your happiness cannot depend on anyone else but yourself.  But you really have to know yourself to be truly happy, or to start to see some progress within yourself.  But, no one is as happy as they seem (or at least from what I have noticed).  You can be perfectly excited and happy in certain situations about certain things, but you aren’t truly, 100% happy.  There will always be something keeping you from your happiness—have it be you not telling someone why you are upset or not telling someone why you are frustrated, or still being in a situation that you want out of.  But how are you to overcome this?  Do you stay what you call “happy” and not tell someone how you feel or do you change things around and become happy by telling them everything, divulging all of your information so they know where you are coming from instead of keeping it inside.  Does that even make a difference though?

 

I think, all in all, you can never be truly happy.  Something will always be there that will make you never succeed to true happiness.  Now I could be completely off base and tomorrow decide I am wrong, but I really do believe no one can be happy.  It sucks to hear, and I’m sure you disagree, but it’s not possible.

Alkaline Trio can say it better than me....




I’ve got a book of matches.  I’ve got a can of kerosene.  I’ve got some bad ideas involving you and me.

So drive yourself insane tonight.  It’s not that far away and I just filled up your tank earlier today.

Fuck you, Aurora.  You took my only friend.

I wish you would take my radio to bathe with you, plugged in and ready to fall.

My tears seep through the crack under my door, where I am locked in, shut down.  I’m so tired of picking myself off the ground.

Now here I sit alone in this room.  No one to confide in.

You’ve got guts to spill but no one trustworthy.

The end is closer than ever before and you’ll want nothing more.

You live and you burn.

I am heaven sent. Don't you dare forget

I am perfect, and I have learned to accept all my problems and short comings, cause I am so visceral, yet deeply inept

 

If I'm the sum of all my friends, then all my friends are some of me. And if you're someway just like them, then I am you to some degree.

 

When we are loud, we are one. When we are one, we are more.
 

Believe in what I am because it's all I have today and tomorrow who knows where we'll be

 

Do you believe you're missing out? That everything good is happening somewhere else?

 

Cause I get buried underneath all the things they think you are. And I'm too tired to pretend it doesn't hurt to be left out

 

Breathe in deep. Let it out slow. Did you hear me? Go go go!

 

I'm so much closer than I have ever known...

You could slit my throat. And with my one last gasping breath I'd apologize for bleeding on your shirt.

Somehow everything's gonna fall right into place. If we only had a way to make it all fall faster everyday.

 

The past is only the future with the lights on

As people come and go, do they know they're really not alone?

Someday you will find me, caught beneath the landslide, in a champagne supernova in the sky

I want to quit this job.

I want to quit working here

I can't stand it.

I can't wait to move out

Why do people have to cause so much pain

I give up and I dont' want to deal with it anymore

I really need to just stand up and do what I need to do and stop being taken advantage of

I hope tomorrows phone calls go well

Arg I am just so stressed and frustrated.

I just want out.

NOWWWWWWWWWWWWW

So in all honesty, I think this RA Job has started to get to me.  It is so crazy and it is so much more work this year than I ever thought it would be.  Last year it totally wasn't hard at all but this year it is just terrible and I am over worked

It seems like every weekend there is another issue, another problem, another write up, another something.  I never have a break and I never have anything go right.  I am constantly having to talk to Housing, or fear for my life, or something.  I thought it would be a breeze like last year but it is nothing of the sort.

I love my residents, there is no doubt about that.  It just seems that each year, it gets more and more crazy and I am not sure how I am goign to survive.  At times I really want to quit.  It would make life a lot easier... just to be a resident, just to be a college student.

Even though I am an RA, I guess I just feel like I have a totally different college experience than everyone else.  I mean, I can't go out an party as much as the others.  I can but it is jsut harder because it is frowned about to party with residents, and it makes sense but it sucks.  I mean if I were to be at a party and a resident got hurt, that parent could be like, well there was an RA there.  And then it is all in trouble for me and stuff.

But, like I was saying, it is difficult because I don't get the same experiences as other people.  Instead of partying, instead of not having to care, instead of enjoying life, I have to do so much more.  I plan those programs, I stay in on those nights, I have to care for 36 people at any hour of any given day.  I don't even get to hang out with my friends.  I feel like I have lost all of my friends in Hawaii because I am on campus and there isn't all so much that I can do.  And I feel like I have lost touch with my friends on the mainland too.   I am overworked, underpaid and neglect those that I love on a daily basis.  And more than anything, that hurts me because I cannot do anything with them.  I only have a few months to hang out with my freinds because I am so far away.  They are only a car ride away, but I am a plane by that same time.

The job does have it's good sides.  I get to meet millions of people.  I am 'the face of HPU" and have been told this a lot of times.  I mean, I love meeting people and talking to them and having fun.  It what is makes this job fun but it, like I have said, is hard work.  Sometimes, I am not sure what to do.  I am going to keep the job through the year but I am sure this is my last year.  I have put my heart and soul into this job and always do.  I try like there is no tomorrow but I feel like I try it too much or maybe not enough.  I dont' have a life outside this job and that is all there is to it.  But I guess there isn't so much more I can do except just accept it.

it is amazing how family can make you feel, cuz mine always makes me feel like shit

my aunts came down today to say hi because they were in the area.  they are my dads sisters for the record.  one i like and the other one is just kinda weird sometimes.  but whenever they come it's not like they care about me.  which is fine, i'm used to that.  but it is more along the lines of i am not good enough for them and things happen to me and they compare me.  i'm not as pretty or big or anything.  today my aunt said that her daughter may not fit into my dresses but it made me feel bad about myself.  i dunno.  it is just weird.  i guess i dont' like it

i hate being compared to people.   you are either better than someone or worse then them but what is the point.  who cares if you are anything like someone else.  what is the point.  obviously if you are the mother of someone or you love someone more you are going to to go for them more but what about the rest of us.  what about the ones that aren't the favorable compared one.   then what happens to that?  who does something then?

i could do something really cool like find a cure for cancer but i still don't think that woudl be good enough for anyone in my family.  it kinda sucks i guess because like i am trying my hardest to stay good in school, graduate on time, have fun with life but it's not cool enough.  i never do enough for anyone and it just sucks.  i can't stand it anymore.  that whole family doesn't realize all of the thigns i do when i am at school.  no one seems to care the things i do.  it doesn't matter and why should i even care.  i guess that is what i should ask my self.  it doesn't matter.  i just ignore them and just act like it doesn't bother me because it shouldn't.  but i doubt that will happen any time soon.  if you know me you know that's how i get.

so a word of advice, don't compare me.  it's not worth it.

on my way home driving 17 today i thought what would it be like if i happened to get in a car crash and something happened to me.  i mean, i am assuming my friends would be sad and stuff but i wonder what would happen with them.  would they be upset?  would they stay with me as a friend?  and what would happen if i forgot everything and them.  would they still try and be my friend?  i am hoping the answer is yes but you never know i guess.

i mean if i have forgotten everythign then what would happen.  and then i kept thinking about school.  what would happen with school?  i was thinking that if i forgot everything then i would still want to finish my degree.  but if i had to start over i dont' know what i would do.  i think i would go back and relearn everything that i needed to to finish my degree to make it seem like it isn't terrible in life and it is possible to take over anything and everything

i dunno.  i guess this is why i am not allowed to think because then i think about these things and it isn't really good things to do, espeically when driving.  but that is me.  i think in the car i had better thinking of it adn now that it is so much later i am sure this is what it goes down to.... it's too late to remember what i want to think.  haha

so now i'm signing off but i am going to try and write more random things here because that makes life more interesting when i can write randomly.

i still believe that valentines day is one of the most overrated and ridiculous holidays.

this year was like the first year i have ever really had a valentine before.  i really enjoyed it and he treated me nice and all but i do not understand why it takes one day to do this.  why is it just one day a year that people have to show for each other that they care?  there are 364 other days taht don't have an attached label as a time that you have to spend with a loved one.  why is that?

why is it that one day a year we flock to card stores, candy stores, flower stores to make people feeled loved.  it's not the material goods that make you feel good but it shoudl be the person that gave them to you.  granted, i got a lot of cool things and i love them all and i thank you for getting them for me if you are reading this, but it was unecessary.  

when you are with someone, everyday should be valentines day.  you should always show to other poeple that you care greatly for them and that you love them.  i have 3 new friends for ilima and beautiful flowers all over my room.  and i had a wonderful night but seriously, just one day a year.  i dont' get it.

at school you see all the happy couples walking around with each other, holding hands, holding gifts but i dont' know why it matters.  why on that one day, everyone is happy when they shoudl be happy every other day of the year.  it's so weird to me.  and maybe i'm just cynical.  and maybe i'm just weird but i am wondering if anyone else feels this way about life or valentines day.

why is love just for one day?  why is there just ONE day where you HAVE to show that you care?  shoudln't you be doing that every day?  obviously not.  and again, i am not complaining because i had an amazing day but i see it as uncessary.  because tomorrow things will go back to how they are.  tomorrow people won't be lovey dovey.  the card, flower, candy industries will all go back to nothingness and they will lose all their money.  the guys that screwed up will have another year to get thigns back on track because in another 365 days, this holiday will rear it's ugly head again.

and speaking of ugly head, valentines day is also really sad for everyone because what if you don't have anyone.  if you don't have a boyfriend or a girlfriend, is the holiday even worth it?  it makes you feel so bad when you don't have a valentine.  in elementary school, eveyrone had a list of their classmates and they had to make everyone one.  i remember days like that.  i thoguht that was so cool.  but now, on this one day, you can figure out who doesn't have dates or loves and it sucks.  it sucks when you can't figure out what you want.  and you're not loved or wanted.  and it's totally a bummer.  because you see everyone else aroudn you being in love but you.  and it sucks.  and i hate it.  and i feel for those that got screwed over by vlaentines day.

hopefully one day, this holiday will die out.  i mean, it's just a commericalized holiday anyway that means nothing.  but what can i do about it/  just smile and say thansk and i appericate the love from the boys because you are all amazing!

as i was sitting in the shuttle today, i came to a realization that iPods are actually worse for society than anything else.  When listening to music, it's you cut yourself off from the world.  listening to an iPod is something that you do when you want to be alone, but when you are around a group of people, why is it that there are 14 people listenign to different music while trying not to touch the person next to them.

it is so weird society today.  we say that we are more open than we really are.  we say that we are friends with one another and that we want to touch each others lives, but how can we do that if we won't even spend more than 3 seconds with someone.  it's so weird to me.  i mean, i love talking but why do we sit next to each other and never say a word.  we just retreat to our music

music is good for you to listen to.  it is a good escape.  but like, not when you are with other people.  don't you remember the days when you all picked a CD together and listened to it.  or the radio?  but now there is the situation where you are just sitting there without these people.  when there were CDs, you were able to listen to people and talk and still listen to music.  you knew that people weren't ignoring you.

but of course, why am i one to talk?  i was sitting there with my headphones in too.  it's not like i'm a perfect angel either.  but still, i think society is wrong.  if we are just sitting there ignoring each other, then it's amazing that we're not stronger as a community.  we are all too seperate and in our own world that we dont' have a chance to look at the world as a whole.  we have to see the world as a whole instead of a world of just  boringness.

i don't know.  i guess this is just my random thoughts for the day.  it's kinda weird but understandable.  i guess i'm just a freak....

You're an ass and a whore ... You're an ass whore!
[Sam]

I'm not talking too fast; you're hearing too slow. You have slow ears.
[Me]

Parked in the RLC Spot...Haha, Jason
[Martin]

I like sex... sex education
[Martin]

You can go suck an egg in a closet
[Margeaux]

The hip bone is connected to the .... ARM BONE!!!!
[Terence]

In my sex ed class we only watched braveheart
[Jen]

Stop moving when I'm trying to Ninja Turtle you!
[Me]

Carllllllllliiiiiiiiiiiiii i, I can't find my bus pass.
[Jen]

You hate Tim Allen? Get out of America!
[Nate]

If I were asked to join the group called "Carli looks like a boy," I would not join it.
[Margeaux]

I hate when I'm screwing with somebody and they start to screw back.
[Margeaux]

Nate doesn't like hot fruit... except for me.
[Kyle]

I remember once imagining what my life would be like; what I'd be like. I pictured having all these qualities, strong positive qualities, that people could pick up on from across the room. But as time passed, few ever became any qualities that I actually had. And all the possibilities I faced and the sorts of people I could be, all of them got reduced every year to fewer and fewer. Until finally they got reduced to one, to who I am. And that's who I am
[the Weather Man]


I just needed to post them so I could remember them since I'm deleteing them from facebook.....